Thursday, August 27, 2015

And Away He Goes

I helped move my son into his dorm this last Saturday.  At the time it was just another task I was working through to check off my to do list.  It wasn't until I got back home and sat down to think about what else I had to do for the rest of the day that I felt a jolt of emotion.  I literally got up from the couch and walked to his room to see all his things boxed up when I felt a surge of sadness.

I am still taken back at how I was blindsided by these emotions.  I thought to myself that I knew this day was coming and just the night before I predicted nothing but space and freedom to come into my life.  Other friends and family often asked both of us if we were sad and anxious for the big day of separation, but we both couldn't be happier to part ways.  Boy was I wrong!

I began to have mommy guilt thoughts.  My thoughts going from birth to now questioning and shaming myself for all my parenting wrong doings.  I felt an immense bout of guilt thinking I didn't do enough and wanting to reach out to my son to apologize and ask for forgiveness or understanding.
It is an incredible feeling.  Happiness and sadness of this great day all at one time.

I have so much to be thankful for.  The fact that he is going to college is prime.  He is going to UC Berkeley which was a reach school for him and he never thought beyond his wildest dreams that he'd get in.  To top it off he was given a full scholarship!  I never made very much money and for most of his life I was a single mom so figuring out how to pay for college was a huge stress for me.

As early as preschool my son Michael was a difficult child to raise.  His preschool director, his pediatrician and I all thought he had ADHD, but today we now know that was a misdiagnosis.  It wasn't until about middle school that I learned he was more gifted or spirited than anything else. I have never felt that he was academically challenged and I couldn't afford to enroll him in provincial schools that promised that academic challenge my son was longing for nor were there enrichment programs available in our underprivileged neighborhood.  The response I would get was most of the kids are struggling and we have to cater our programs to the majority of the students.

As the days go on I'm adjusting to the quieter evenings, the lack of mental processing of when he will be where and what I need to do for him.  I cry less and less and smile more knowing now that things will never be exactly the same between us again but does anything ever really stay the same anyway?

The sad feeling is real but so is the joy when your once baby literally leaves the nest!

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